


The Dreams in Which I'm Dying

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Schizophrenia, kinda a mindfuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 05:55:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16738378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: Life isn't easy when you can't trust your own mind





	The Dreams in Which I'm Dying

The rumble of the train wheels on the tracks seemed to lull the world around you to sleep. Expressionless, morning tired people surrounded you; lost in thought and their own minds. Thoughts of their daily doings and mind numbing routines, while you desperately searched the train for something new or out of order to distract your own mind.

All the things you used to love no longer seemed to hold any meaning to you. Nothing seemed to be worth getting out of bed for anymore, but you still did. For him. Jensen seemed to be so happy that you were doing better, and to the outside world you were. You hadn’t had an episode for months, not since you had left the hospital. Not since you had started taking the medication that numbed your mind, leaving you an empty shell of yourself.

_You were running through the forest, falling over branches trying to get away from the pack of werewolves. Sam had gotten hurt, and you needed to find Dean. He had to be out here somewhere. He had to be. Suddenly one of the werewolves were next to you, grabbing your arm, snarling at you. You kicked and fought, trying to get away from it, but without luck._

_“Let go of her! I got this.” Dean’s voice sounded and you, with one solid kick to the werewolf’s shin you got lose, running straight into Dean’s waiting arms._

_“It’s okay. You’re safe,” he muttered against your hair, holding you close, but your panic didn’t cease._

_“The wolf. Dean shoot it,” you yelled, trying to get lose, but Dean held you close, not allowing you to move._

_“It’s gone. Just look at me Y/N. It’s me. Jensen.” Dean’s hands rested against your biceps and you looked up at him in confusion. What was he saying? His name wasn’t Jensen. He was Dean. Your Dean._

_“We met second year of college. You were a photography major. I was picking up Jared and you needed a ride too. You were in one of his classes,” with the mention of the name Jared an image of Sam appeared in your head and your body started to shake. You were scared. What was happening to your mind. You felt as if you were going crazy._

_“You’re Y/N Ackles. You married me June 5th on the shores of lake Austin. You’re at the mall. Jared cut his hand on a bottle and you ran off. Y/N you’re safe. I’m right here,” his voice was calm as he kept looking into your eyes. Your vision was blurry from the tears but slowly you started to recognize your husband._

_“Jensen.” You threw yourself into his arms and you felt him breathing a sigh of relief as he held you close, allowing you to cry against his chest, completely ignoring the whispers around him and the guard giving him an angry glare as he limped away._

You took a deep breath, reminding yourself you needed them. You needed them to tell real from imagination. You needed them to stay in this world with Jensen and not float into the other world, the world you couldn’t let your husband know you missed.

Even if you had almost died in that world more than once, leaving you screaming in public places like this one, everything still meant something there. Your job wasn’t mindless and done on routine like the job you held in this world. You helped people, and no matter how scary the monsters of that world was at times, he was still with you. He got you through it all.

Dean Winchester wasn’t real, you knew that. He looked just like your husband and he shared a lot of his qualities. Loyalty and heart. You missed Dean, even though you saw Jensen every day. Jensen was the love of your life and you never wanted to leave him, but the world with Dean was simpler. The monster weren’t your own mind. They were all around you and he could actually see them, help you fight them. Together you saved people and your life mattered. In this world you weren’t so sure.

You went to work, filing and cataloging just like you did everyday. Everything was done on routine and nothing took much thought, so instead you let your mind drift to the world that felt so real when you were there. Even now, thinking back on it, it felt as real as memories, and not images spun by your own sick mind.

You thought about mornings in the Bunker, waking up in Dean’s arms. You thought about how urgent and desperate he would always kiss you, like this moment could be your last together. Which was the truth of your life with Dean. Every moment could be the last. Dean Winchester was a hero and he would give his own life in a heartbeat to keep someone else safe. You knew you could lose him every hunt you went on and he knew he could lose you, because as hard as he tried to make you not take risks for him, you didn’t know how not too. You would give your life for him.

Your phone vibrating in your pocket pulled you from your daydream and back to the world you were in and the man you married 8 years ago. You sucked in a breath, your eyes welled up with tears as you read the text over and over again.

**_I thought about it. If you wanna try I think we should talk to Dr. Collins about your meds. I love you honey. I want us to be a family too._ **

You had wanted a baby for years. You and Jensen had argued about this so many times, but you’d never expect him to give in. He was worried that you would have to go off your meds to carry a child. He was worried what that would mean for your sanity, and he worried what your meds would do to the child if you stayed on them. He had been so scared he had never even been okay with you bringing the subject up with your doctor, so him sending you this text was a huge step for the two of you. So huge that you instantly felt guilty about dreaming yourself away to another world where he didn’t even exist.

You knew there was a reason that Dean looked like Jensen. You weren’t betraying him. You were taking him with you into another place when your mind couldn’t deal with the one you were in. You and dr. Collins had talked about this alot, so much that most of the guilt had gone and Jensen had never once blamed you for anything. He had stood by you through every episode, through every admission and relapse. He had always been there and you knew he always would be.

You knew that your mind wasn’t t escaping the people you loved, but you never understood completely why your mind disappeared into another world then. Everyone you loved were always there with you. Dr. Collins looked like the angel Castiel. Jensen’s childhood friend and best man at your wedding Jared, was a spitting image of Dean’s brother Sam, while your best friend Briana still looked completely like your other world best friend Donna Hanscum. If you weren’t leaving anyone behind and you so desperately wanted a family with Jensen, who you loved so much it hurt at times, then why did your mind escape reality?

Tears streamed down your cheeks as you sat in the same corner booth you always sat in, riding the train home from work. You knew that everything you wanted with Jensen wasn’t possible. You knew because you had tested it, without telling him. There was a reason your other world was so clear in your mind today. You hadn’t taken your meds last night like you usually did. You had wanted to prove to him you didn’t need them,that you could go a few months without and give him the child you knew he wanted, even if he was scared to admit to it. You wanted to prove he could trust you with your child. But all that you had proven was that you couldn’t.

_Jensen wrapped his arms around you from behind and you smiled. You felt the warmth from his body spread to your own as you leaned back against him. He always made you feel so safe and loved, no matter how bad you were feeling or how numb from the meds, that flowed through your system._

_“Morning Dean,” you teased, and you instantly felt him tense up. You twirled around in his hold with a huge grin on your face, pressing a kiss to his lips. “I’m kidding Jay.”_

_“Not funny,” he groaned, pulling you closer to him kissing you again, smiling when he felt you smile against his lips. “Stop it,” he dug his fingers into your sides, making you squeal and try and escape him._

_“I give,” you laughed and Jensen chuckled kissing you again before he released his hold on you with a sigh. He didn’t really seem eager to leave for work either._

_“Is it gonna be a long day on set?” you asked, instantly feeling the rush of panic when you saw the confusion on his face._

_“Set? What are you talking about Y/N/N?” Jensen asked, the worry evident in his eyes._

_“I… erhm,” you desperately searched your brain that all morning had been convinced Jensen was an actor and the Dean of your other world came from the tv show Supernatural he was working on. You dug through the information in your brain until different memories started to surface._

_“Weren’t you going on that shot with Jared? To interview that director guy? Kripke something?” you quickly tried to cover up, hoping the new information that your husband was a journalist working with his photographer best friend Jared was real._

_Jensen seemed to calm down instantly as he sent you an overbearing smile, “that is next week baby.”_

_“Oh.. sorry. Must have gotten the dates mixed up,” you mumbled, looking down trying to hide your tears. He couldn’t know. You didn’t need to worry him. You just had to take your meds as soon as you got home from work. You couldn’t before because they would just make you fall asleep during lunch if you did._

_“It’s okay Y/N,” Jensen chuckled, kissing your cheek. “You know I got the memory of a goldfish. If I didn’t have Jared I would never show up at the right places at the right times,” he grinned trying to make you feel better. You loved that about him, but right now there was nothing he could do, so you just faked it, smiling back at him like so often before when the cracks started to show._

The house was still empty and quiet when you got home. It wasn’t unusual for Jensen to work late, so you simply headed upstairs going straight for your medicine cabinet, before you stopped yourself.

The last case you remembered working with Dean had been a Djinn. Wasn’t this a dream life? A life without monsters? A life with Jensen who looked just like Dean. Jensen who loved you just as much as Dean loved you and would do anything for you just like Dean. A life that made it possible for you to maybe have a family. Sure there were cracks, but Dean had told you Djinn’s don’t make the dreams perfect. Perfect is not believable. What if this was the fake reality? What if you weren’t insane? What if it was all a Djinn dream?

You desperately tried to remember how Dean had woken himself up, as the panic started to overtake you and you threw the pills against the wall. The bottle shattered and the capsules flew everywhere. You were alone in this world. You couldn’t trust your own mind and Dean wasn’t here to help you with this monster. You had to get back to him and you had to figure this out all on your own.

You fell forward, heaving for breath, clinging onto the bathroom sink trying to hold yourself up. You couldn’t leave him, not like this. You needed to get back to reality. You needed to get back to Dean. You looked up meeting your own panicked eyes in the mirror and suddenly you knew. You can’t die in a dream. You’ll wake up before you do. All you had to do was make your body think it was dying and you’d be back with him.

Your fist went through the mirror making the glass shatter and your blood stain the pieces now glistening up at you from the sink. You didn’t feel anything as you looked down, selecting the biggest piece as you let yourself slide to the floor, with your back resting against the tub. You twisted the glass between your fingers, looking at your own reflection within it. This world wasn’t real. You needed to get back to Dean.

You barely felt as if you were moving, but you saw it. It was your hand holding the glass as it slid across your wrist. It was your blood painting your pants and the floor. It was your blood dripping down onto your other arm as your hand slit your second wrist open.

You let your head rest against the tub and closed your eyes, waiting for your body to start to believe what was happening. To start believing it was dying and for Dean to come and find you. You lost track of time and sense of everything around you, but you smiled when you heard him. His footsteps and his voice as he rushed to your side.

“Oh my God. Y/N. Baby. What did you do?”

You opened your eyes, your vision was blurry as you saw him rips his shirt tying up your wrists.

“Dean you came,” you muttered as you watched him pull his phone from his pocket dialing 911.

“Stay with me, Y/N/N. I’m right here,” he tenderly brushed your hair away from your face, pulling you against him as he started talking into the phone.

“My wife. She slit her wrists. Please hurry,” his voice almost cracked but you didn’t really hear him, not until you heard your own name. “Y/N Ackles. There’s blood everywhere. Please…”

Your husband’s panicked voice along with the memory of the happiest day of your life was what brought your mind reeling back to reality.

“Jensen I’m sorry,” your voice were barely above a whisper. You were so tired and cold. So tired. “I didn’t mean too… I’m sorry.”

The phone dropped from Jensen’s hand as he pulled you impossibly closer against him, pressing his hands down against your wrists. You could hear the pain in his voice as he tried to get you to fight.

“It’s okay Y/N/N. I know. Stay with me please. You can fight this. You’re so strong baby, please don’t leave me.” His voice got lower and lower as your vision faded to black. The warmth from his body didn’t spread to yours, not this time. You stayed cold as you lied dead in your husband’s arms, not hearing his pained cry of your name as you left him forever.


End file.
